I do a lot of therapy groups, and one thing I have to state sometimes to people is that I was orphaned with living parents. I wasn’t raised by my biological parents, and turned 18 as a ward of the state. I have not met many people with this set of circumstances, so I want to ask if anyone here is comfortable sharing?
There are obvious negatives, I was homeless a number of times from 18-24 years of age. Stuggled a lot financially and finding my footing in life. I also have shit self esteem. Now in my late 30s, I never realized how much it effected me to not have an adult care about me as a child, well into adulthood and I still struggle. Also, holidays were rough until a few years ago.
The positives are I don’t have to deal with ass hole parents, dramas and such, and I don’t ever have to worry about their end of life care. I also learned what not to do when I became a parent myself, and have dedicated my life to ending generational trauma.
I was not orphaned but was homeless at 18 due to escaping an abusive environment. I’ve gone through my adult life with no safety blanket and it has profoundly impacted my anxiety and need for control. I’ve managed to build a great life and I’m very successful on paper, but people don’t see the backup plans upon backup plans that I have in-place to have some sort of feeling of safety.
I’ve also found it very hard to relate to people my age because they usually have some sort of relationship with their family and often times move back in with parents when shit hits the fan.
I also still feel very unloveable by everyone around me and I’m suspicious whenever someone shows affection, because it feels like a trick - or even if it does feel legitimate, I know that they’ll hurt me eventually. That’s been a big topic in therapy recently.
I’ve also found it very hard to relate to people my age because they usually have some sort of relationship with their family
Wow this hit home.
I remember in my early to mid 20s really really struggling with this too. It’s still tough today, albeit a bit easier to deal with, but it was such a stuggle especially in the young adult years. I wouldn’t even date a potential partner if they had good parents, because I felt some ways about it. I remember working retail, and basically having a fit inside one day because I over heard a teenage gril fighting with her mom about her mom buying her stuff. I never once went clothing shopping with my mom, or another woman and the girl was being so ungrateful. I pretty certain I cried in the bathroom for a time that day.
I don’t miss feeling that deep pain. Healing is such a good feeling. Therapy helps me a lot too. I still go on a regular basis to cope with stuff. Im glad you’ve that resource too <3
I guess it turned out ok. My parents were never married and because of my dad’s temper I lived with my grandmother until grade school when she died. I then lived with my real parents for two years, and then with my mother and her new bf for a few more before I ended up in foster care at the start of grade 6. ( I had run away from home and was living on the streets when Child and Family services picked me up.)
By grade 12 I had been in 10 different schools and 6 different foster homes, so I learned to not trust people much. I was a hyperactive kid (now they say I have ADHD but in the 80’s I was just “hyper”) and got in a lot of trouble over the years. One of my foster parents ended up having a nervous breakdown, I ended up in a youth jail, and was living on my own at 17. Later ended up in a provincial jail for getting mad and putting a cop in the hospital.
But then came my daughters, the first of which was born in 93. It settled me down a lot and made me start caring about things, and helped me focus on being less destructive. If it wasn’t for them, I’d probably either be in jail or dead.
I wouldn’t change any of it though. It was chaotic but fun overall and I learned a lot over the years.
I love the happy ending. I hadn’t planned to have kids, but when I had my son it certainly grounded me in a way that having a child didn’t ground my own parents. I felt such urgency to make a good family/life for him.
I moved a lot too, which made it really hard to make and keep friends. I’ve never had a “group” for long growing up. Switching schools/homes/gaurdians so often really makes life hard.
It’s tough as a young person who doesn’t trust any adults, to get support from said adults. Im really glad to hear things turned out okay in the end for you!
That was my thing too. I vowed to myself to be there for my kids and not be like my father. My oldest daughter has Cerebral Palsy and still lives with me, and that helped me focus a lot on the more important things. She is doing well (it’s a milder form of palsy) and has a job she loves. My other daughter bought her own house nearby a few years ago, so I also help her taking care of the place which gives me lots to do. I’m in my 50’s now and have some health problems from all the stupid crap I did when I was younger (turns out we’re not indestructible like we thought when we were young) but we’re all happy, comfy and safe and that’s what matters the most.
No we aren’t as destructible as we think we are, are we? Ha.
I love that you have a fulfilling family today, it makes me smile knowing that it all came together for you
I was kicked out at 17. I was homeless for a short while, and spent some further time couch-surfing and then in what we essentially a halfway home. My 20s were rough, barely scraping by financially. But you can survive a lot in your 20s, and I’m glad I made it through.
I’m now 38, and it’s difficult to condense the journey I’ve had into a few paragraphs. I got married this year. We own a house in a beautiful, tree-filled neighborhood. I’m a software development team lead despite no degree or formal training.
My life wouldn’t be the same without the kindness of friends and strangers, second chances, and a sense of fierce and defiant optimism.
My life wouldn’t be the same without the kindness of friends and strangers, second chances, and a sense of fierce and defiant optimism.
This is ao very true for me too. Thank you for sharing
